With all that goes on around us its hard to find clarity at times. I struggle with that often because life gets busy and I veer off the path I have set out before me. Last night Daniel and I sat on our cozy couch and had the same conversation that we have had probably 10 or more times. I am a “stay at home mom” to two busy teenagers one of whom is homeschooled. I’m obviously busy with all of the day to day chores that make our house run smoothly but I don’t feel as though I contribute to the gross domestic product of our family because I do not bring home a pay check. I feel a tremendous pressure to be someone great and successful and hopefully that will come with my love of writing, gardening, or cooking. However I am no expert and I struggle with how I can teach people when I in fact am constantly learning new things myself.
That’s just it though, every expert is always striving to learn more, right? Daniel is the best at talking me off the proverbial ledge by asking me a series of questions. “What do you love to do?” The answer is always the same, write. I picture myself sitting in front of my beat up laptop as the sun peeks through the blinds and I look out over our pond or putting pen to paper while laying on the sand. I have a million scenarios where I just write but most commonly it’s me and Kaija sitting in our crowded cafe at Barnes and Noble. My only issue with that is that there is no money with me writing blogs. No one cares about issues in American churches, very few people want to make what I’m cooking, there are a billion gardening sites, and as I look out over my bookstore I see the thousands of authors who have degrees that I do not have because although I had A’s in my classes I couldn’t pass my college math class. I hate math.
I have a million reasons that I should quit, but 3 reasons to keep writing. I want my girls to see the value of having me home to be there for them rather than climbing a corporate ladder and I couldn’t find time to write if I was busy with a career. I have a tremendous opportunity to prove to my younger self that I will be something even when people said I would be nothing. Most of all, I want Daniel to see how his hard work at our company has paid off by me being able to stay home with our kids and excercise my passion. I want all of my second guessing to stop and I want to keep pressing on even when I only get 4 views on a blog (thank you guys!). Eventually I’ll have enough time to pursue this with all that I have. For now I have 3-4 more years to practice. I need to put in my 10,000 hours doing what I love and soon I’ll have exactly what I want. A finished novel, a successful blog, but most of all, a loving husband and great kids who I’ve been able to pour my life into for the last 15 years. They are my biggest success and I will forever be grateful to be able to be a mom. It’s the best job I’ll ever have.